...:
Now turn to section three.
...:
You will hear a university student and her tutor discussing feedback on an extended essay.
...:
First you have some time to look at questions 21 to 25.
...:
Now listen carefully and answer questions 21 to 25.
DR. MILLS:
Ah, good morning Jane.
DR. MILLS:
Thank you for coming in so early this morning.
JANE:
That's no problem, Dr. Mills.
JANE:
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me to give me the feedback of the first draft of my extended essay on video games and violence.
DR. MILLS:
Oh, that's no problem.
DR. MILLS:
I enjoyed reading it.
DR. MILLS:
It's an interesting topic.
DR. MILLS:
You've made some interesting analysis.
DR. MILLS:
So let's look at my notes.
DR. MILLS:
The first thing I wanted to discuss was your essay question.
DR. MILLS:
Now the question you have here is not the question that we agreed upon before you began writing.
JANE:
I changed it as my research started pointing me in a different direction.
DR. MILLS:
You should really have consulted me first.
DR. MILLS:
The question you have here does not have the focus that it should.
DR. MILLS:
I've made some notes on your cover page and on how you should change the question.
JANE:
Okay, sorry about that.
DR. MILLS:
Students commonly do this.
DR. MILLS:
Now the next thing is your introduction.
DR. MILLS:
You do quite a good job here presenting the direction of your essay.
DR. MILLS:
There's some spelling that you need to fix though.
DR. MILLS:
This will create a very bad impression on an examiner.
DR. MILLS:
So you should look for these errors with great care.
JANE:
I'll make sure of that.
JANE:
I certainly don't want to create a bad impression on my examiner.
DR. MILLS:
The next part of your essay was on the historical development of video games.
DR. MILLS:
Now this is interesting, but I would doubt the relevance of the amount of specific history that you've included.
DR. MILLS:
Your question focuses on video games and violence.
DR. MILLS:
So a historical overview is important, but you should just provide this fairly briefly or you'll use too many words on it.
JANE:
I think I must have got carried away there.
JANE:
I did find it interesting.
DR. MILLS:
Now the next item I'd like to discuss is your use of examples.
DR. MILLS:
The first thing is that you lack the right number of examples to prove your points.
DR. MILLS:
You only look at three or four and none of them in a detailed way.
DR. MILLS:
You should review briefly at least six to ten and review at least one and preferably two in real detail in terms of the violence that is present within the game.
DR. MILLS:
This will provide your essay with increased credibility.
JANE:
I find the whole subject fascinating, but I have little detailed knowledge of any particular video games.
JANE:
I tried reading some reviews of various video games, but the details from those I already included in the essay.
JANE:
I don't really know where I can get more detail on this without buying some games and playing them.
JANE:
Even then, it would take too long to get all the detailed knowledge I need.
DR. MILLS:
It's hard to find detail like this, but I have some suggestions to help you.
DR. MILLS:
Blogs are excellent places to find details.
DR. MILLS:
First, there are blogs that focus on video games, and there are certain blogs that are focused on violence within video games.
DR. MILLS:
If you go through some of these, you'll find plenty of detail from people who play the games.
DR. MILLS:
Second, there are consumer watchdog associations that are focused on video game violence.
DR. MILLS:
These are filled with reviews of games, but they're solely focused on the violent elements of the games.
DR. MILLS:
These two sources will help you get the detail that you need.
...:
You now have some time to look at questions 26 to 30.
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Now listen to the rest of the discussion and answer questions 26 to 30.
DR. MILLS:
So, moving on.
DR. MILLS:
Your discussion of other studies is quite good.
DR. MILLS:
You provide a good summary of the studies and surveys on this subject, and you give a good overview of their findings.
JANE:
I thought that part was good too.
JANE:
I spent a lot of time researching and reading into the subject.
JANE:
I found lots of resources online and in the library.
DR. MILLS:
Yes, it's an in-vogue subject right now, so you're strong in this section, but what I feel you're missing is some kind of way of comparing the figures that you've found in these different studies.
DR. MILLS:
At present, you show the different figures in paragraphs on different studies, but this is a bit confusing.
DR. MILLS:
Maybe at the start or the end of this section, you should provide a table where you can present all the relevant statistics next to each other.
DR. MILLS:
In that way, the correlation that you identify will be more easily seen.
JANE:
Okay, I've made a note of that.
DR. MILLS:
Your conclusion.
DR. MILLS:
Now, I feel that generally this is fine, but what's missing is that in this type of essay, you need to identify what some of the weaknesses in your argument are.
DR. MILLS:
This might be, for example, that some of the surveys and the studies that you used as evidence might be of a limited scope, so that the figures provided might not be of sufficient statistical significance.
DR. MILLS:
That's just an example, of course.
JANE:
That sounds logical.
DR. MILLS:
Again, in an essay of this type, you should also identify areas that can be further studied or questions that have arisen from your studies that remain unanswered.
DR. MILLS:
At this high level, things like this are expected in the best essays, and so, if you overlook them, this can reflect badly on your essay and reduce its overall grade.
JANE:
That's great advice, Dr. Mills.
JANE:
I know what you mean.
JANE:
I certainly know the sort of things that should be in my essay with regard to that.
DR. MILLS:
One more thing.
DR. MILLS:
I know I've told you to look at lots of different areas, but there's also the issue of your word count.
DR. MILLS:
You know the limit is only 5,000 words, and you've exceeded that by 400 exactly in this first draft.
DR. MILLS:
It's important that your final draft is on or beneath the limit.
DR. MILLS:
Now, it's quite difficult to cut one's word limit down, but the essence of good writing is in the redrafting and editing process.
DR. MILLS:
It's normal and advisable to cut your word count down on a second draft by using language more economically.
DR. MILLS:
I told you earlier that you were too wordy in your section on the historical development, so that's at least one area where you can cut down on your word usage.
JANE:
That's fine, Dr. Mills.
JANE:
Of course, I had noticed that I was wordy, but I'm sure that I can sort this out for you by the final draft.
DR. MILLS:
Oh, and don't forget your appendices.
DR. MILLS:
Check the extended essay instruction sheet I gave you at the start of the preparation process.
DR. MILLS:
The instructions will outline all the documents that will need to be there in your final draft.
DR. MILLS:
Make sure that section is complete.
JANE:
Well, thank you, Dr. Mills.
JANE:
I'll go off and get started on all that.
JANE:
I might drop by during the week with some questions, if that's all right.
DR. MILLS:
Yes, that's fine.
DR. MILLS:
Bye then, Jane.
JANE:
Bye, Dr. Mills, and thanks again.
...:
That is the end of section three.
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You will now have half a minute to check your answers.
